Thursday, May 14, 2009

Open Letter to Fuzio because they're bush league


It seems you've delivered some food to my job where I work. Let me just say that the food was free in that people from my job took care of the bill and I didn't have to pay for it myself but I think that still leaves you open to critique. And boy, do I have some fucking criticism for you. I like being critical of people and things. I do it callously and without regard to others feelings and thoughts. I also do it without looking in the mirror. When I point at peeps, I use my whole hand. There are no fingers pointing back at me. Absolved.

Firstly, let me just say you're little "fusion" theme is just silly, real fucking silly. The idea behind fusion cuisine, although tired and dated and totally played out is to combine flavors of diametrically opposed cuisines and let them sort of play off each other. This is hard. People that pull it off successfully are really good. Fusion doesn't mean you just get to come up with two random unrelated food items and just mash them up and call it a dish. That's not hard. People who do this are bush league. Fuzio is bush league.

This brings me to the gist of my post. So, you've decided that there isn't enough BBQ related pasta dishes out there in the world did you? By the gods, what right do you have? Pulled pork mixed with Fusilli. Why? Why would anybody do that? Then you tell me I should pile on a liberal glob of sour cream with a smile and mix away? Ugh! Now I'm pretending it's Strganov? But then you decide "that flavor's not bold enough! Needs a kick!" so you deign to come up barbaric plan to meld a habenero with a classic pesto. Oh you tricky bastards! My taste buds are atwitter with this carousel of flavor you've got me on. Nonsense!

Well bitches of Fuzio. Now that I've put baby in a corner I doubt you've much to say for yourselves although there is much to account for. However, your little habenero debacle did grant you access to the Spice Odyssey. However, I wasn't fooled. I didn't go fumbling for my water glass to the amusement of my friends because you've pulled a fusion-y fast one. Rather I sat unfazed and saddened a little bit as to why my pesto tasted so overly sweet and retarded.

Fuzio: FAIL!

The Spice must flow....................Just not from our arses.


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