Thursday, May 14, 2009

Open Letter to Fuzio because they're bush league


It seems you've delivered some food to my job where I work. Let me just say that the food was free in that people from my job took care of the bill and I didn't have to pay for it myself but I think that still leaves you open to critique. And boy, do I have some fucking criticism for you. I like being critical of people and things. I do it callously and without regard to others feelings and thoughts. I also do it without looking in the mirror. When I point at peeps, I use my whole hand. There are no fingers pointing back at me. Absolved.

Firstly, let me just say you're little "fusion" theme is just silly, real fucking silly. The idea behind fusion cuisine, although tired and dated and totally played out is to combine flavors of diametrically opposed cuisines and let them sort of play off each other. This is hard. People that pull it off successfully are really good. Fusion doesn't mean you just get to come up with two random unrelated food items and just mash them up and call it a dish. That's not hard. People who do this are bush league. Fuzio is bush league.

This brings me to the gist of my post. So, you've decided that there isn't enough BBQ related pasta dishes out there in the world did you? By the gods, what right do you have? Pulled pork mixed with Fusilli. Why? Why would anybody do that? Then you tell me I should pile on a liberal glob of sour cream with a smile and mix away? Ugh! Now I'm pretending it's Strganov? But then you decide "that flavor's not bold enough! Needs a kick!" so you deign to come up barbaric plan to meld a habenero with a classic pesto. Oh you tricky bastards! My taste buds are atwitter with this carousel of flavor you've got me on. Nonsense!

Well bitches of Fuzio. Now that I've put baby in a corner I doubt you've much to say for yourselves although there is much to account for. However, your little habenero debacle did grant you access to the Spice Odyssey. However, I wasn't fooled. I didn't go fumbling for my water glass to the amusement of my friends because you've pulled a fusion-y fast one. Rather I sat unfazed and saddened a little bit as to why my pesto tasted so overly sweet and retarded.

Fuzio: FAIL!

The Spice must flow....................Just not from our arses.

Monday, May 11, 2009

Tahi House Express can Suck it!

Ok. I haven't been eating the crazy spicy in a while. I've been eating the mundane lately. Tonight was just supposed to be another notch in the belt of mundane eating. After a nine course, four hour fancy dinner last night and a long day of driving from the lovely temperate weather in the Bay to the broiler oven that is the Sacramento Valley today we had decided on a simple yet flavorful evening of non spicy Thai food.  Yes, I did say non spicy. Contrary to popular belief you can get non spicy Thai eats and this was the night for them. So i wandered around in search of something different, a Thai spot with that certain je ne ce quoi. I drove around aimlessly for like a half an hour. The on 19th and Castro I stumbled upon this joint called Thaihouse Express. It seemed to have the standard fare. Larb was our quest this evening. I made sure to tell the dude "Not Spicy." I feel like I was emphatic in saying so. To my shock and surprise when Steph took her first bite I could see that she was about to die a little bit. Sure enough it was spicy. Totally not what I ordered. I guess by default it gets a posting simply for the fact that it was spicy but in reality, Thaihouse Express, FAIL!!!!

The Spice must flow....................Just not from our arses.